I had just broken up with my boyfriend, who I'd been dating for two years, and Dan, a guy I'd been flirting with while getting up the courage to end things, invited me over to his place before the dead relationship had even had a chance to go cold.
When I got there, we made a beeline for his room, collapsing on the bed in the throes of a passionate make-out session. I climbed on top of him, straddling him, wrapping my arms around him and swiveling my hips against his.
And................... nothing.
I felt nothing. Wasn't this the moment he'd been waiting for? Wasn't this the foreplay at the precipice of the mind-altering sex session that we'd spent the last month building up to? Shouldn't there be something... you know... happening?
"Are you excited?" I breathed into his ear.
"Yes!" Dan said, doe-eyed and smiling at me.
...and he WAS. Hard as a rock- only I had no way of knowing, even while straddling his crotch. He eventually pulled out the tiniest penis I have ever seen, even to this day. It was approximately the length of my thumb, and only slightly thicker.
At that point in my life, I was not the experienced sexual tigress that I am now. I did not know dicks were even MADE that tiny. It was Fun Size, except nobody was having any fun. (Well, I suppose he was. I certainly wasn't, though.)
I left that night perplexed, bamboozled, unsatisfied, and feeling like I'd been utterly duped. Did I just have sex with a baby and didn't realize it? This man was an even six feet tall- shouldn't it have been bigger than that? What the hell was going on?!
Dan represented my introduction to the world of half-pint penises, a world no one realizes exists due to the prevalence of monster cock internet porn and the fact that most women are too kind to divulge the dirty details of their boudoirs.
Most women. But luckily for you, I'm not one of them. Allow me to be your guide to the seedy underbelly of... well, men's seedy underbellies.
SMALL DICK RULES
1. You can't tell how big a man is just by looking at him.
Aside from the glass ceiling and childbirth, this is probably the most frustrating thing about being a woman. A man can look directly at us and know our bra size, give or take a cup. But when we look at him, we can know NOTHING- we're at a girth dearth, if you will.
Bearing that in mind:
2. Height has nothing to do with it.
I once took to bed a 6'3" behemoth of a man named Chris. He had to duck down to pass through virtually all doorways unscathed. People were always asking him if he played basketball. But when it was "game time" for us, his three-inch cock was anything but a slam dunk.
Also...
3. Shoe size has nothing to do with it.
In 2011, I hooked up with Jack, a man with a size-13 foot and a size XS wang. Contrarily, my most recent ex had embarrassingly smaller feet than me but a slightly larger-than-average dick. You just. never. KNOW.
That said, sometimes you do know because
4. It has been my experience that certain ethnic stereotypes are true.
Generally, when, um, Irish eyes are smiling, I'm not, because his penis is just too small for me to derive any sort of pleasure from. But Jeff, the Italian guy I casually dated a few years ago? That thing was the Everest of erections, and like any dutiful explorer, I just had to mount it. (I didn't even like him as a person that much.)
5. Sorry, men- it IS the size of the ship.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, guys, but if the heat you're packin' is set to barely above defrost, you're going to get a lukewarm reception from us. There are some things a tiny dick just can't do, and enable me to have an orgasm is one of them. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying I need something akin to an Amazon anaconda. Just something not small.
And the bad news doesn't end there because
6. Sorry, ladies- men with small dicks don't automatically "try harder."
I'd like to think that if you knew you came with inadequate equipment, you'd work overtime to get the job done. But this is the only place in this article where I can't make a generalization, and that is terrible, indeed.
Penis size really is one of the last true surprises we have in this world. They are a present to be unwrapped. And then, well, wrapped back up, because no one wants herpes. Ain't nobody got time for that. But, unwrap them we must, and hope, pray, and keep our fingers crossed that the big reveal doesn't make us do this:
Once again, signing off and sleeping with people so you don't have to,
I feel like men also have no idea of relative penis size due to the porn issue. Because I don't have a giant porn star cock, and because of my poor v-sit and reach scores in elementary school, I've been living a life of low self esteem.
ReplyDeleteSo I ask, as a guy, where is the average? What's the difference between "generally satisfying" and "topic of much giggling at brunch?"
I think I said it, right? Three inches is "we're going to brunch and laughing at you," 5-6 inches is about average and anything bigger than that is like Christmas.
ReplyDeleteOh you are so right -- every Irish dick I have a seen has been small. I dated a guy once with an average penis and his balls were insanely huge that they cool swallow his penis. He took them out at parties to dance - yeh!
ReplyDeleteI am afraid of uncircumcized --so far I have been lucky - but that is a deal breaker for me.
Oh, uncircumsized ain't so bad- once you get 'em going they look exactly the same as the circumsized ones. And really, the only two guys I've slept with who've been uncircumsized have been European and Australian (one of each) so as long as you don't fall for their accents you'll probably never see an uncircumsized one anyway.
ReplyDeleteOh my lord this is amazing and so true. Most guys seem to be regular normal size but every once in awhile you get a huge one or a tiny one.
ReplyDeleteSo, SO true. Especially #6 - which most people don't ever mention.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this!
I'm 6'3" and have big hands and size 13 feet, and my penis is 4" long and rather thin, totally erect. I have been laughed at and rejected for sex on more than one occasion (don't worry, I've developed thick skin by now), but I kind of wish more women were aware of #'s 1, 2 and 3. I cannot tell you how often I've heard, "But... but you're so tall..."/"... have big hands"/ "have big feet!" the first time I get naked with a woman.
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, I can't really warn the girl ahead of time - that would be weird right? - on the other, these assumptions often lead to some really awkward moments in the bedroom.
I think u sound hot.
DeleteThere's one thing Women often forget about a mans...size.
ReplyDeleteHE DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER, HE WAS BORN WITH WHAT HE HAS.
A man (unfortunately) does not get to select the size of his penis at birth or anytime in his life. Much like foot size, height or even skin color. It's not like a man chose to have a 3 inch penis, he was simply born with a 3 inch penis, and its not his fault what-so-ever.
Women who criticize men who have a small penis are simply ignorant, and its as simple as that. Would you laugh at someone because they are black, white or another race?
You are so right - it is mean spirited and ignorant to make fun of something beyond a person's control like their height or their penis size. Is the person who wrote this still in high school?
DeleteYea, but different races can still get things done in the bed. Its not ignorance, its physiology. You shouldnt make fun of the size, but its hard making something work if the sex just isnt there.
DeleteThank you Samantha. You have given me new confidence in my decision to kill myself.
ReplyDeleteDon't listen to slut McGee. And by the way, some women have giant vagina. You could throw a log down there and they wouldn't feel it. I like to call them "no walls". It's like putting my dick in a balloon.
ReplyDelete