Thursday, December 20, 2012

Samantha Says: "Nice Guy" Mistakes

If I hear one more person say, “Nice guys finish last,” I am going to scream.

Men are so quick to bemoan that women don’t like them because they’re too nice. “Women only want to date assholes!” they proclaim.
Why won't you love me? 
Sorry to break it to you, men, but this isn’t a thing. Never in the history of ever has a woman sat at happy hour dishing with her gal pals and said, “This guy I've been dating is so great.  He's hot, and smart, and funny.  He would be perfect, except for one thing...he's a nice guy. I have to end it.” 

When a woman doesn’t want to date a man, it has nothing to do with him being the type of guy that will stop his Prius to rescue a kitten stuck in a tree. Honestly, use your brain. If anything, she’s more likely to give him a chance if he's a kitten-saver than if he's the kind of dude that hogs two seats on the Metro at the height of rush hour.

The biggest problem with this bullshit proclamation that “nice guys finish last” is that it absolves men of all responsibility. It puts the blame firmly on the women they date and conveniently allows them to disregard all of the stupid shit they are doing that is driving said women away.  The fact is, men employ certain behaviors in their quest to be "nice guys”, but it’s these exact behaviors that are hindering their relationships.  As my girl Alanis would say, isn’t it ironic?

Now, I can't help you with some of the things that will determine if a girl likes you- if you're smart, hot, funny, etc.- but I can tell you some of the mistakes that you make that are not doing you any favors.  So read carefully, stop doing stupid shit, and stop whining; pretty soon you'll see that nice guys can find nice girls of their very own.        

MISTAKE 1 - You wait too long to kiss her

I have more than a few girlfriends who’ve had the experience of going on four-five dates with a man before he finally went in for a kiss. Spoiler alert: none of these relationships worked out. 

Men, if you wait more than a few dates to kiss her, she is going to think you’re a) not into women or b) a serious pansy. Neither characterization bodes well for you.  Personally, I think you should kiss her at the end of the first date if you're feeling it, but the second date is fine too.  Any longer and you're doing yourself a serious disservice.

MISTAKE 2- You ask if you can kiss her

I don’t mean to hurt your feelings if you’ve done this, but ugh, gross. JUST FUCKING KISS HER. The worst case scenario is that you’ve completely misread the cues and she gently rebuffs you. That’ll happen whether you speak up or not, so I ask you: what do you have to gain by asking for permission like a middle schooler requesting a bathroom pass?  Let's consider the following scenarios:

Scenario one: you take her out on a nice date and escort her home after. You stand outside her apartment for a long time, talking, smiling. Finally, you work up the courage to ask if you can kiss her. Her smile falters a little but she assents and you share a subdued smooch. Awkward, she thinks.

Scenario two: you take her out on a nice date and escort her home after. You stand outside her apartment, tell her you had a nice time, and make extended eye contact before leaning down and planting one on her.  As you say goodbye, you squeeze her hand ever so slightly before grinning and walking away.  


I think you get the point.

MISTAKE 3 - You accept her offer to split the check
I’m sorry, but THIS IS A TRICK. It’s not that it’s not a genuine offer, because for most ladies, it is (naturally there will always be a handful of entitled gals who think it’s your duty to pay and won’t even offer). But though the offer is genuine, she is still hoping you say no.

I know, it’s a double standard and men and women are equal and blah blah blah, cry me a river. You have a chance to be generous here, and generous men are HOT. Don’t fall for it and accept her offer, thinking that the nice thing to do is to let her pay if that’s what she wants. It’s not.

MISTAKE 4 - You smother her

I’ve been out with a few men who, within days of meeting me, have added me on Facebook and told their friends about me and texted me nonstop and brought me gifts and always wanted to see me and OH MY GOD JUST STOP. It’s too much.

This does not mean, disappear. This does not mean, play games. That’s just as bad. Be in touch enough that she knows you’re interested and thinking about her but not so much that you look needy and desperate. Unless you’re an official couple and at the stage where you’re very important people to each other, don’t text her 20 times in one day about your trip to the dentist and what you had for lunch and how your car smells like her and how you’re going to watch that movie she told you about. You’ve been dating for two weeks. Congratulations, you’ve managed to be both a creeper and a bore.


Also, stop punctuating your texts with smiley and frowney faces. It’s not hot.

MISTAKE 5 - You want her to plan things

Look, I get it. You don’t know if she’ll like your suggestion to try the new Mexican joint down the street and you’re worried that she’ll think it’s too forward if you invite her over to dinner. So instead of proposing a date to her, you ask her what she wants to do.

NO. STOP. This is gross.

There are tons of resources out there that will help you plan a good date (Doing the District among them!) Talk to a female friend and ask her opinion. Go on Yelp. Do just a little bit of work and you’ll be fine- so long as you don’t pick something ridiculous and inconvenient, she’ll probably be on board. Take the initiative and take a risk; you might not plan her dream date, but at least you won’t look like a wishy-washy milquetoast.

MISTAKE 6 - Not telling the truth because you don’t want to hurt her feelings

A lot of so-called nice guys shy away from uncomfortable situations because they don’t want to hurt a girl’s feelings. They don’t want to look like the bad guy, so instead of being honest about how they feel, they make excuses or deflect. “It’s been really stressful at work and I’ve been so tired.” “I like you so much but the timing is off."  "I've just been going through some stuff.”

This is decidedly NOT a nice thing to do. If you entered into something with someone, you owe them the truth, even if you think it might hurt their feelings. You’re just not feeling the attraction? Tell her. You met someone else? Tell her. Be honest and be tactful, but grow some balls and be a fucking man.  She might not like you much after that, but I can guarantee she'll hate you if you lead her on and waste her time.  

Did I leave any mistakes out that you think should be included? 



29 comments:

  1. Aggressive post...

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  2. Amen sista! This is spot on. Take this as a PSA, "nice guys."

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  3. My beloved Jenna Marbles made a great video about this as well... I think usually, if a nice guy is finishing last, it's not because he's nice. There's some other common denominator there aside from nice. And to be fair, I think there are some girls out there that are really attracted to assholes, but they probably have their own issues and are not someone you really want to get involved with.

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    1. Well said! And I love Jenna Marbles- funny, vulgar, and speaks her mind, a girl after my own heart ;)

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  4. Great comments! What is true is that women like confident men. At times confidence is perceived to be correlated to "ass holes." Many women are attracted to confident men who turn out to be ass holes. I assume they free themselves later. The crux of the issue is to determine how to be confident and nice. Really not too hard to do if you work at it.

    I tend to try to use "ass hole" techniques for good purposes! For instance when my gut tells me she is not interested I think to myself ignore her like an "ass hole" would and then I do something nice and often it works out. That's humor by the way I am in fact a fairly nice guy not an "ass hole" who might talk about "ass hole" techniques to pick up women. :)

    Have a Merry Christmas (see nice but confident)

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    1. You're very right that confidence is key. I think the problem with a lot of these "nice guy" moves is that ultimately they come across as a lack of confidence. Being indecisive or timid or needy, etc. So the key is to be confident while still being the nice guy that you really are! :)

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    2. Great post! Yeah, i agree. I think confidence is aspiring to know and accept who you are not some type of arrogance or pretend authority which is like false confidence.

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  5. MY BIGGEST DATING PET PEEVE IS: When a guy says "we can do whatever you want to do". All I hear is that he isn't willing to make an effort.

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  6. Ha. It takes some nerve to post something like this after being pumped and dumped by biker.

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    1. I've never been "pumped and dumped by biker" (sounds hot, though) but even if I had, everything I wrote still stands. Sorry if the truth hurts.

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  7. http://www.datesafeproject.org/ciky-univ/

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  8. wow, you just described exactly all the things that were driving me crazy about the last 3 guys I dated. Well done!

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    1. Thank you! I feel your pain, I got the inspiration for this post from some recent dating experiences. SO frustrating, but glad to know others can identify!

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  9. Thank god "don't have a small penis" wasn't on that list.

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  10. ALL men should read this.

    "Also, stop punctuating your texts with smiley and frowney faces. It’s not hot." <--- I want to add "lol" and any other "text speak" to that statement. It screams, "I'm a teenage girl." It's not difficult to write out you instead of u.

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    1. Thanks, Maggie! I totally agree about the text speak- I can't help but roll my eyes whenever I see it. It amazes me that some men don't realize what a turn off this is.

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  11. This is a contradiction. Period. These are "demands"

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  12. For anyone still reading this comment thread (like I am), I took the liberty of going to find the Jenna Marbles video on this subject that someone else mentioned before.

    She rambles a bit, but it's totally worth watching:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VXXXX9iVPI

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  13. Nice use of the word "pansy".
    We'll call that your Mistake #1A.
    Stop it.

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    1. That was a poor choice of words, you're right. Will not use it in the future.

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  14. So...women should "not tell the truth" about splitting the check, but it's anathema for guys? Sounds like a healthy dating dynamic to me...

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    1. I think you misunderstood. There's no lying involved in offering to split the check- as I said, it's a genuine offer. However, most women appreciate when a man is generous and find it a turn on.

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  15. SPOT ON! Reminds me of this fantastic tumblr... http://niceguysofokc.tumblr.com/

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  16. I think both man and woman should send their proxies to negotiate the terms of each date ahead of time. After their proxies negotiate, both man and woman can sign off on the negotiated arrangement (payment, kiss good night, etc.) and everybody will be happy.


    Right?

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  17. Number #6 a million times over. I wish everyone would just be more honest with how they feel. There's not much worse about dating than trying to decipher the meaning of the timing of text messages. If you don't want to date me anymore, just tell me and we can get on with our lives.

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