Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Where to Ride Out the Zombie Apocalypse in D.C.

So last week, a man in Florida ate another man's face, a man in New Jersey disembowled himself and threw his intestines at police, and, perhaps most disturbing since it's the closest to us in D.C., a student at Morgan State University outside of Baltimore ate his roommate's heart and brains.


We, as evolved beings in the world, must simply admit the facts: The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us, and the end is nigh. But fear not, young Washingtonians -- I haven't lived in this city six years for nothing. This Gamma Girl is here to tip you off to a few spots where you can hide to avoid being lunch for a former lobbyist.

To gear up: Hudson Trail Outfitters, 4530 Wisconsin Ave. NW

Sleeping bags, tents, outdoor cooking equipment, bikes and gear, and athletic footwear so you can run, run away -- Hudson Trail Outfitters has everything you need for extended survival in the elements. This location and their spots in Rockville and Pentagon City are Metro-accessible, so those fighting on foot shouldn't have any issues getting supplies. In addition to that, there are two other locations within the D.C.-metro area.

The only problem is that Hudson's prices are outrageous, so for the apocalypse survivor on a budget, you'll have to be ready to smash and grab when the inevitable anarchistic looting begins.

To keep culture alive: S. Dillon Ripley Center, 1100 Jefferson Dr. SW

I bet you've walked past this museum, located between the Smithsonian Castle and the Freer and Sackler galleries, about 800 times and didn't realize it was a museum. And more than that, I'll bet you've never ventured inside. Well, given the unoptimistic outlook for the human race, the time to change that is now.

The advantage of the S. Dillon Ripley Center above all other museums in D.C. is that it is entirely underground. Once you enter this little domed kiosk, you immediately descend below the Earth's surface to the various exhibits the center houses, including the Discovery Theater and International Gallery. And its underground location makes it an ideal spot to drink in enough culture so that you and you alone can re-educate future generations once scientists have declared the atmosphere safe to rebuild.

To say "Fuck it, let's get drunk": Crystal City Sports Pub, 529 23rd St. S., Arlington, VA

I talked a lot about Crystal City Sports Pub in my personal blog, and with good reason: It never closes. This bar is three glorious levels with a generator -- a generator!! -- which means that CCSP will still be slinging pitchers of beer and serving up deep fried deliciousness regardless of whatever act of God has befallen us.

Seriously, D.C. Snowpocalypse? OPEN! Earthquake? OPEN! Hurricane? OPEN! Tornado? OPEN! Surely if our undead come back to shred the flesh from our bones, Crystal City Sports Pub will serve as a refuge for survivors. And since it's across the Potomac, it makes for an even better safehouse, since everyone knows zombies can't swim.

So, my friends, go forth into the wild armed with the knowledge that with a little forethought and preparation, you can survive this madness.

To life and the living of it!


  1. I did NOT realize that was a museum. Whoa, cool. Will check it out! (regardless of impending doom)